I've been there just recently and didn't even realize that I had given up until the Lord revealed it to me!
There are a couple of things in my life right now that I have absolutely given my all to or at least felt like I'd given my all to and yet feel somehow like it still is not enough! I got tired of trying; I am tired of trying!!
When and how do you make the determination that truly no matter what you do, things aren't going to change! Can you make that determination and know that it's right?? Can you know when it's truly time to move on?
I ask myself those hard questions and others - What are my frustrations right now? Why am I frustrated? Is it my plans that are being thwarted or are they God's plans? Am I looking for my way to be had and if not, I'm taking the highway??
Have I, and if I have, when did I, walk out from under God's grace? Am I trying in my own strength? Am I not hearing what the Lord is saying or am I choosing not to listen? When I get tired of keeping on, do I still have to keep on?
Anybody relating to what I'm saying or am I the only one stuck in this place?
As you know, I was away for a month of R and R in Florida, only to come back to the fact that nothing had changed. All of my responsibilities, cares, concerns, duties, etc were here waiting for me when I got home. And, truth be known, some have even doubled!!!
I don't want to hear that I am the problem - but I know that I am!! God has not moved nor changed and other people and situations will only control me if I allow them to!! Am I truly, at my age, having a temper tantrum?? Aaaaagh - Why is nothing ever easy????
Lightbulb moment!
I realize again - I am simply involved in another battle between the flesh and the spirit!!
Yup, some things never change!!
Am I really going to confess to you - again - that I'm still in the same war - different battle, but the same war?? Ugh!
Yes, I was having a temper tantrum! There are things in life that are not under my control and I am balking at that!
I want things to change!
I want relief!
I want the hard things to go away!
I want, I want, I want........!
BUT, GOD.....!
He patiently listens to my lamenting and then He sets me straight!!
My life is not in my control. It never has been, never will be and I truly wouldn't want it to be. God knows best now and always has. He cares for me in ways I don't even understand and He is directly involved in every minute of these difficult times. In the midst of my temper tantrum, He puts His arms around me and says, "I know. Trust me."
It's hard for me to let God love me when I am feeling so unlovable.
Today when I returned from a frustrating visit to the nursing home, my granddaughter, Annie, ran to meet me as I walked toward my door. She stuck her hand out and I saw she was holding a stone shaped like a heart.
"Here," she said, "I found this for you."
I thanked her and put it on the cabinet as I walked through the door. I put some groceries away and walked by the door again and then really saw the heart-shaped stone.
"Donna," His voice said, "I love you. Just in case you didn't hear me the first time, I sent you a reminder."
Isn't that just like our God?
Later, when I went to our Ladies Meeting at church, a friend there shared with me a very similar story of how God was trying to share His love with her, and she, too, didn't "get it" until God sent her a heart-shaped stone!!!
Seriously, I'm not making this up!
Just in that instant, my frustrations melted.
My spirit felt revived.
His love became the motivation I needed to continue on, to keep pressing in and pressing on.
His love became the reason for me to set aside the wants and needs of my flesh and to "hitch" a ride on His train of grace.
His love became the reality of my life, not my weariness, not my frustration, not my giving up.
Those are all signs of the flesh trying to run on its own steam.
Those are all signs of one who has lost sight of God's love in the heat of the moment.
And I had lost sight of that.
I had made the frustrations of the flesh my reality - again!
BUT, GOD. . . in His everlasting love and grace - again - came to show me the true REALITY!!
He is so patient, so understanding, so gracious, so loving, so merciful and so present!
Again, I am laid low and humbled by Him!
I am in awe of Him!
I am shattered by His love!
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