One of Those Days

"I feel so discouraged and so "not enough" today! Doubting everything, hating myself, feeling so unsure and guilty!!"

 

Writing these words in my journal, I move to the computer to process my thoughts. Writing helps me do that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ever have one of those days??

A day when you don't feel "enough" and everything seems wrong with your world.

 

I'm having one of those today. I find myself doubting everything I believe, unsure now of what I thought I was discerning, feeling so mixed up and confused. Life is hard when people let you down, when you expect so much more and yet get so much less. It's hard to trust. 

 

How can someone who walks with the Lord treat others that way? It's so disappointing to see others fail to accurately represent the God they claim to love and serve. And yet, I know I do that, too.

 

We are all fallible. As much as I try and as much as I know others try, we are all only human. And while I don't like to use that as an excuse, it is the truth.

 

I fall, I fail, I'm unsure, I'm doubtful, I'm not trusting, I'm untrustworthy, I'm not enough, I'm guilty, I hurt others with my words and silence, I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I know I should do.

 

I stop right after I write those last words and realize what I have forgotten. I'm in good company, I guess, because Paul wrote almost the exact same thing long, long ago.

 

Could he have felt the way I do today? Could he have been discouraged and frustrated with himself and his inability to live up to the example of Christ? Was he frustrated and disappointed with others, too? Was he saddened by his own shortcomings? Was he having a pity party like I seem to be engaging in right now? (That one, I doubt, but, who knows?)

 

I throw up my hands and say "Agh." And then I go back to the Word, I should always go back to the Word.

 

"For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not."

 

So, I inquire of the Lord, is that my problem? Do I still find it hard to admit that "no good thing dwells in me?" Is my pride still wanting me to be able to figure it all out and find the answers I so desperately seek within myself? Am I still expecting to find the "good" in others, knowing full well they are just as fallible as I am?

 

"Oh wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? (Because I know for certain, I can't deliver myself!!) I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord."

 

Again, He brings me back to the insufficiency within myself and to the sufficiency that is in Christ. And I realize that when I'm not able to access the grace God extends to me, I'm unable to give it to others.

 

 

 

 

I may not get the answers to all my questions today and for sure, I will never understand human nature, but I find my faith again restored in the God who does know all the answers and who does understand human nature. He alone wrote the "Instruction Manual" and He alone provided the answer - Jesus - to all the "breakdowns" this creation has!!

 

The words to a precious song come to mind -

 

"In Christ alone will I glory

Though I could pride myself in battles won

For I've been blessed beyond measure

And by His strength alone I'll overcome

Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands

But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand

 

In Christ alone

I place my trust

And find my glory in the power of the cross

In every victory

Let it be said of me

My source of strength

My source of hope

Is Christ alone."

 

 

 

*Scriptures - Romans 6