Rejection

It's very hard to un-hear words that have been spoken.

"I wanted a dainty little girl with red hair and I got a big horse."

"You are so clumsy."

"They never made a lady out of me and they'll never make a lady out of you either."

"Hey, get a load of my fat daughter."

"You are so big and tall, when are you going to stop growing?"

These are words I heard spoken to me by my mother while I was growing up. 

Then, in later years, after I was married with my own home, I heard these words:

"What the hell kind of curtains are those?"

"Your kitchen is blue. Who the hell puts blue in a kitchen?"

These were words that wounded so deep, it's taken me years to grow out of them.

It seemed I couldn't be or do anything right or anything that would please her.

Rejection is a deep wound that causes shame and humiliation. For years, I believed if I wasn't what my own mother wanted, how could I ever possibly be what anyone else would want. Walking with the wound of rejection caused me to grab tightly unto the idol of acceptance. I needed and craved acceptance so desperately that I would do just about anything to get it, not consciously, of course, but that became the driving force behind all I did and said. I felt that I didn't deserve to live, especially if I didn't gain the acceptance I needed to survive.

Other people's words and actions, over time, also added to this wound. It was one that never seemed to scar over because every time it started to, another's words would tear it open again. I believed all those words, I truly did.

After I graduated from high school and ventured out into the work force, I thought a lot about this hurt that wouldn't seem to let go. I decided to seek help and started seeing a therapist. I wasn't a Christian at the time, so obviously, I didn't receive Christian counsel, but the counsel I did receive was good, nonetheless. It led me to see and understand that I was not the one completely at fault in this situation. My mother's desires were not altogether based on reality. For example, no one on either side of our family had red hair, so why would she think her daughter would? And when I actually had opportunity to measure myself, I discovered I was only 5' 51/2" tall. Because of her words, I was so sure I was at least close to 6'!!

But therapy could only go so far. It was one thing to know and understand these things, but I felt like I was left with nerve endings hanging, exposed and open to more pain and hurt. I came to realize I could not heal myself!

This is where the love, grace and mercy of God took over. God surrounded me with women who became mother figures to me. These women loved me when I was the most unlovable and cared for me as those they were God Himself. For so many years, I just wanted a mother who would love and accept me just as I was. I wanted her to speak warm fuzzies to me, tell me she loved me and hug me. I wanted her to care about me and my life. I wanted her to at least call me more than once a month! I wanted her to be interested in the things that I was doing, show an interest in who I was. But, she didn't and over time, I came to know more and more about her history and pieces began to fall into place. God gave revelation upon revelation and I was finally able to let go of all of my expectations of her. I came to see that she could not give me what she did not have to give.

When I was able to see that and let go of my expectations, God was finally able to begin the healing process in my heart. The first place He started was showing me His unconditional love for me, because I needed to be reassured of that quite a bit. To think there was someone, finally, who loved me just for who I was; someone who cared about me and all the aspects of my life, was mind-boggling to me at first. It was hard to believe! The women God sent into my life helped to reinforce this truth and they applied the balm to my wounded heart. I came to see and understand that I truly was "accepted in the beloved."

The greatest gift God gave me in all of this was the ability to forgive my mother. She did the best she knew how. Her childhood was a much more difficult one then I experienced and she could only do what she knew to do. I stopped blaming her and accepted my own part in owning the rejection as my label. God gave me a love for my mother and a grace to minister to her without any expectation of return. I didn't need her love and acceptance any more because I found that in Him. When we found out she only had a couple of months to live, I was able to freely and fully love her without needing anything from her in return. What a blessing that was!

I believe I have been completely healed of that rejection, but I will admit, the enemy knows it is still a weakness of mine, so he will try to draw me into it again, but the Lord has given me wisdom and discernment where this is concerned and I recognize it quickly and refuse to be drawn back in. The pain of the wound is gone and in place of the wound is the seal of the Holy Spirit. The scab isn't even visible any more!

And to show you that along with God's healing, He always knows what He's doing and redeems EVERYTHING - remember the words, "I always wanted a dainty little girl with red hair, and I got a big horse" and "...they'll never make a lady out of you?"

Well, look what the Lord did with that -

My very name, Donna, means lady and
I married a man named, Phillip, which means lover of horses!!!

Who, but God, can do that?

I pray that my story has helped you in some way. There is so much more to it than what's written here, I probably could write a book about it, but that's for another time, maybe.

Just know today and be assured, you are not a mistake, you are not unwanted. You were perfectly designed by the creator of all and He doesn't make mistakes. You were born when He ordained, where He ordained and you have the parents He ordained. You have the body He designed for you, your hair and eye color were hand-picked by Him just for you! Your DNA was breathed into you by His breath - the very breath that gives life.

You are exactly what He wanted and always will be!